Being a Citizen in Absurdistan

Human beings are like birds, migrating from one place to another. My story of becoming a citizen of Absurdistan was a bit like this. In this strange country I came to get to know, events led me to become a citizen. I would like to tell you about these events, my naturalisation and my first trip abroad. 

As you may remember, the religion of this country is Hotism. My curiosity to know the culture dragged me to the places they value. In order to get to know their places of worship, I wanted to attend a worship service on Tuesday, which is considered sacred by the Khotanese. With the confidence of having arrived at the place of worship, I took off my shoes and found a place for myself among the crowd. At the end of the worship service, everyone raised their heads upwards. I think this ritual was based on a tradition that had been going on for more than a thousand years. I looked up, imitating everyone else. People mumbled something and bowed their heads. I did the same and suddenly realised that I didn't have my handbag with my passport in it. The ritual was over and everyone was going out. I looked left and right in horror and was confronted with the fact that my handbag was missing. 

Another surprise was waiting for me at the door. My shoe was also missing. The behaviour of people locking their shoes and tying them to the shoe racks, which I could not understand, was making sense in my mind with a bitter experience. Fortunately, my wallet and phone were in the zipped inside pocket of my coat, so I did not lose them. Encountering such a thing in a place of worship taught me an Absurdist aphorism that I will never forget. ‘Don't take every bearded man for your grandfather’ made me realise quickly that I should not take every Khotanese as having understood his religion and internalised all its moral values. 

I sat down in a café and created time for myself to evaluate the situation and think about what I should do. As I was sipping my coffee, I suddenly saw the president of the country, Shendogan, speaking on television and I listened to what he said. Shendogan was talking about the fact that every foreign citizen would gain citizenship if they bought a house for 400 thousand dollars. At first I was surprised and tried to understand why a status that should be as valuable as a country's own citizenship was marketed in such a way. Then I remembered what the spokesperson of the main opposition party AHP had said on television. 

Thanks to the ‘build, operate, be grateful’ management, a public service delivery method successfully implemented by Şendoğan, infrastructure investments were being made without any money coming out of the treasury, but contracts with guaranteed payments in foreign currency were being signed with the company undertaking the operation of these investments. In other words, the infrastructure, which actually cost 1 Billion Dollars, was increasing to 5 Billion Dollars with long term foreign currency payments. This was a strange maths. No one could figure it out. Şendoğan was already telling everyone, ‘You don't understand this’. But in the end, public money was being transferred to a few contractors at exorbitant prices. 

As the black holes created in the economy by this system, which could not be sustained for many years without any problems, grew, the need to create new resources emerged. Absurdistan, which had a very low share in the export of high-tech products, could only generate this resource by selling an asset of its own. And that value was perhaps the greatest of all values: Absurdistan's citizenship. Anyway, I had to concentrate on my own situation. Since my country had not yet established diplomatic relations with Absurdistan, it would be very difficult for me to re-issue my passport. I wondered what it would be like if I became a citizen of Absurdistan. The thought didn't last long. In the window of the real estate agency opposite the café, it was written that they offered sales services for citizenship. I finished my coffee, got up and crossed the street.

We started talking to the real estate agent. He was going to invoice me for a house worth 400 thousand dollars. The problem would be solved when the house cost between 40-50 thousand dollars and I paid the 8% VAT of 400 thousand dollars. In other words, the job would be solved for 75-80 thousand dollars. This was one of the things that surprised me the most in Absurdistan. Almost everyone said that they loved their country very much, that they would die for the flow of the river, etc., but those who found the opportunity did not hesitate to push the limits in cunning for their interests. And even knowing that this harmed the interests of his country. Anyway, for me, the problem was solved without exceeding my budget. In a few days the procedures were completed and I got a house and citizenship for 77 thousand dollars. Now, as a citizen of the country ruled by Shendogan, I was ready to be envied by the Astra Union (EU) countries. 

With my new passport, I decided to make my first trip abroad to Absurdistan, so named because a quarter of its territory is below sea level. At the airport, when I saw the officials' dirty looks when they saw my Absurdistan passport, I agreed with Şendoğan, they must have been very jealous. The first thing that caught my attention was that this poor and jealous country had the necessary infrastructure for people to use bicycles everywhere. The fact that they have equipped the whole country with railway networks and created bicycle parks at every railway station gave me the impression that they must be very poor. The fact that the government does not take any measures during rush hours is interpreted as forcing the people to live a poor lifestyle. It might be useful for them to call Şendoğan and get information about the ‘build, run, be grateful’ model. 

Unlike in Absurdistan, I was struck by the tendency of people here to strictly follow the rules. The state controls almost every step taken by its citizens. If you swipe your card to get on a train at a station, you can't get out without swiping it again at the station where you get off. They are not free at all. On the train journey, I felt pity for the people of Sevesiztan as we passed through wide plains and lush farmlands. Grazing cows and horses in farms showed that this country was still not developed enough. However, what apartment blocks would have been erected in these beautiful areas. Good money if you earn 10 million from each building. I thought that I should definitely inform them about AKI (Absurd Housing Administration).

Since it rains all the time, there is no irrigation system for green areas in the cities. You know they are poor. However, if the irrigation system worked on top of the rain, the reputation of the country would go through the roof. Speaking of reputation, I remembered that you do not come across the convoys of Very Famous People (1) here. My strangers cannot make a convoy due to poverty. However, there is no saving on reputation. I think someone should remind them of this fact. Unmanned systems are widely used all over the country. This government has seen even a smiling face too much for its people. 

People are emaciated from pedalling all the time. It pains you to see them, but if you ask them, they think that travelling safely on roads built only for bicycles is a great comfort. It is obvious that people here were not born in the driver's seat like the young people in Absurdistan. How do they know how comfortable it is to drive 200 metres to the supermarket? In every town there are drinking places in the squares and streets. Probably, the only social activity that such a poor people can do is to drink and worry about ‘What will become of this Unworthy People?’. The government knows this, so they don't tax liquor too much, so I guess they think that people can at least do this.

Seviyesiztan is too calm for the adrenaline-addicted people of Absurdistan. The agenda can remain unchanged for weeks. And nobody wonders why nothing extraordinary happens in this country. By the way, while I was telling you about Seviyesiztan, I realised that I am becoming more and more like Sendoğan. Everyone seems to be hostile to me. When I see people laughing and having fun, my nerves get on my nerves. I think everyone is jealous of my newly acquired citizenship and Absurdistan. Could it be that I am too caught up in my citizenship?

(1) The late journalist Bekir Coşkun Turkishised the abbreviation VIP as Very Famous Person (ÇÜK) in one of his articles. I remember him with respect and mercy...